Dear God, thank you for this salty pig meat we are about to eat, along with the rest of the indigestible swill.

Slave, wait. Get out of here. Oh, God, God...

Maybe God is opening the door to the path I should be taking.

Probably God softly opened a door, and led me through it like saying "This way".

I went back to my bed, and I prayed, and I secretly thanked God that that missile did not land on my family's home, that it did not kill my family that night.

I adopted Kevin when he was only six months old, completely unaware of any hereditary traits, but, thank God, now we know.

If only God or Netflix would send me a DVD of my two possible future careers, I'd be set.

(Laughter) Because we knew somebody would feel this -- (Laughter) when the result of the election was announced.

I'm not his doctor, I'm not his mother, I'm certainly not his God, and maybe the best way to help him and me is to resume our roles as father and daughter.

I was always pushy, always moving, always doing this, and he used to come to me all the time, and he said, "Honey, God's going to punish you."

Alita told me, "It's a miracle that God gave Moses the knowledge and technology to provide us with pure drinking water."

And he hears that Jim is going to go and take his wife and kids and steal them from the woman who owns them, and Huck says, 'Ooh, oh my God, ooh, ooh -- that woman, that woman never did anybody any harm.

And Huck said, 'Oh my God, oh my God, I lied, I lied, ooh, I did a terrible thing, did a terrible thing -- why do I feel so good?' "But it's the goodness of Huck, that stuff that Huck's been made of, you see, all been buried; it's all been buried.

You have heard this ableist trope before: the boy with Down syndrome who's one of God's special children, or the girl with the walker and the communication device who is a precious little angel.

(Laughter) It wasn't until years later, looking back on this whole age-of-reason, change-of-birthday thing, that it dawned on me: I wasn't turning seven when I thought I turned seven.

And I thought, "Well, of course I believe in God, but you know, I don't like that word 'heart, ' because it anthropomorphizes God, and I don't like the word, 'his, ' either, because that sexualizes God."

So I remember those nights I used to go to sleep with asking help from [the] Unknown because, for some reason, I couldn't believe what my father and mother hanged in the Puja room as a god, because my friend's family had something else as a god.

So now we have God that is going to submerge Earth permanently or at least for a very long period, and no one is taking care of plants.